Sanity
by x-backtoblack-x
Summary: "I'm crying because I love you and I don't want you to leave me." Beth had always presumed saying it out loud would have destroyed her, and yet when she spoke there wasn't so much as a waver in her voice. (Rated M because I'm cautious).


Beth couldn't sleep. Not that that was anything new because Beth could never sleep. Worrying about work and Maggie Chen, worrying about Paul and what the hell his actual role was in her life, oh and of course worrying about the fact she was a lab rat in an illegal cloning experiment that was now apparently killing off its subjects.

Tonight though, there was a different reason she couldn't sleep.

That reason was Alison Hendrix, and that reason was currently tucked neatly into her side, arms draped over Beth's bare stomach and head resting on Beth's chest.

-.-.-.-

_Beth was in the process of discarding the remains of her microwave meal for one when she heard a solid knock on her door. Then silence. Then a second round of knocking, this time more urgent._

_She sighed. If this was Art wanting her to go over the details of the Maggie Chen case one more time before the hearing then she'd probably put a bullet through him too. She had her reasons – not that he'd ever know that – and she was eternally grateful that he was willing to cover for her. That said however, the man could be a total pain in the ass sometimes._

_She went to the door anyway though, figuring he'd only break it down if she didn't answer. To her surprise though it wasn't Art. _

"_Ali…?"_

_She didn't bother to hide her shock. She knew Alison understood just as well as she did that discretion was key._

"_You said Paul was out of town on business?" Alison replied as a means of greeting and as a means of letting her know she wasn't being reckless._

"_Uh yea, until Saturday," Beth nodded, stepping aside to let her suburban double in._

_She watched as Alison moved inside, allowing the door to close behind her before her shoulders finally fell from their rigid pose and she allowed herself to relax. Beth couldn't help but smile at this. Alison was so up-tight, so proper, so put together, until you got her behind closed doors and she allowed her walls to drop a little._

_The fact that Beth was one of the people Alison allowed in behind the façade was just one of the things that made Beth love her even more._

_Shit, there was that word again. _

_Love._

_They'd both promised one another they'd never use it, though it was certainly becoming more difficult as the days went on. Sometimes she felt like her feelings for Alison were the only think keeping her going._

"_You want coffee, or maybe a glass of wine?" Beth offered, realising she'd been quiet for a while._

"_Wine, if you have it," Alison replied, turning to face Beth with a genuine smile tugging at the corners of her lips._

"_Right, I'll get it now," Beth nodded, finally moving away from the door. "You can see if there's anything on TV if you want," she added, nodding her head in the direction of the flat screen TV as if Alison didn't know where it was._

_This is how they always tended to start off their evenings together. With no pretence for what could happen. In fact sometimes nothing happened at all. They had their wine, moaned about their problems and left it like that._

_More often than not though…_

"_So, what's with the surprise visit?" Beth prompted, placing two wine glasses down on the coffee table and sliding next to Alison on the couch._

"_I just…" Alison faltered and turned her body into Beth's embrace before she continued. "Needed you tonight."_

_That's all she had to say and Beth knew. Knew that no matter how many glasses of wine they drank, or how much they talked, or how many movies they watched, this night was only going to end one way and even though she knew it was stupid, and even though she knew it was only physical stress relief as far as Alison was concerned, she couldn't help but smile._

_They got through half a film and a glass of wine each before Alison started to fidget. First it could almost be considered innocent. Her fingers trailed up Beth's arm to where her jumper bunched around her elbow. Her nails tickled her skin, leaving goosebumps that Beth tried her best to ignore. It wasn't long escalating though._

_Alison's head lifted off Beth's shoulder. The loss of contact left her cold for a moment, though almost at once a pair of soft lips ran across her exposed neck._

_She gasped as warmth ran through her body, and she felt a high she was so used to being void of when she was on her meds. _

_She felt Alison's lips kiss their way up her neck and then trace along her jaw. She felt her anticipation grow inside her like a desperate hunger until finally soft lips brushed gently across her own. Then a kiss at each corner of her mouth._

_This is how Alison liked to play it. Always initiating the contact, but never initiating anything too serious. Beth supposed this was her way of keeping the guilt at bay._

_So just like any other time it was Beth that finally put a hand either side of Alison's face and pulled her in, their mouths closing around one another as both women became lost in the moment._

-.-.-.-

What wasn't just like any other time though, was the fact that Alison was still here. Thatwas what was keeping Beth awake tonight. Part of her wanted to be conscious for every moment spent with Alison's hair splayed out across her chest and Alison's legs tangled in her own. Another part of her however couldn't help but lie there, confused and excited as to what this meant.

What usually happened was that Alison would roll off Beth, and in the same swift movement roll out of the bed. It wasn't as cold as it seemed though – or at least that's what Beth liked to tell herself. She'd always sit gingerly on Beth's side of the bed once she'd dressed and stroke her cheek gently, effectively wiping away any sadness that'd had time to well up inside Beth's chest. The sadness wasn't kept at bay long though. One final fleeting kiss and she was always gone without another word.

This time she'd stayed though. This time she didn't just roll off. Instead she lay there, spreading her body out on top of Beth like a human blanket so as much of their skin as possible was touching.

She'd not said a word either when Beth finally realised this wasn't a dream and her hands had wrapped securely around Alison's waist, holding tighter than she probably should as she tried desperately not to let the moment slip away.

When Alison finally had rolled off her she tried to ignore the way her heart fell and everything suddenly felt cold. It'd taken her a second to process the words "I'm going to the bathroom, I'll be right back" but once she had she felt better than any pill had ever made her feel.

When Alison had climbed back into bed and fallen asleep in her arms it had felt so domestic. So right. Like nothing else in the world mattered, like nothing else could ever possibly matter, because Alison's body draped over hers was like a shield protecting her from the real world and just for those few hours, she finally felt sane.

-.-.-.-

She'd obviously drifted off at some point, because she woke the next morning to a warm body stirring against her. The night before came flooding back to her instantly, and before she even looked down at the squirming mass below her she had a smile cracking across her usually stoic features.

When she did look down it was just in time to see first-hand what it was like to have Alison wake up beside her. She saw her nose crinkle as her eyes fought off the sunlight that streamed lazily through the half drawn blinds. She saw her tongue dart out to lick her dry lips and heard the soft sigh of satisfaction when she did so. She felt the hand that had been around her waist all night begin to run up and down her bare side, not in a sexual way just in a comforting way.

"Morning…" Beth whispered, one hand now casually stroking Alison's back.

"Already?" Alison groaned, her face turning into Beth's chest as she spoke and causing Beth to smile as she felt the words vibrate off her rib cage.

"Unfortunately," She laughed, though she was only half joking as she never wanted this moment to end. "I can make you breakfast though, if that eases the blow in any way?"

"No, no," Alison murmured, finally starting to come to as her brain processed what Beth had said. "Coffee's fine… I need to pick the kids up from my mothers and I've the grocery shopping to do and a bake sale to bake for and Donnie will be back from his business trip this evening so I want to make something nice for dinner y'know?"

Beth didn't know, but she nodded along anyway, not wanting to be the one to remind Alison her suburban dream wasn't everyone's reality.

"Gimme two seconds and I'll put some on then," Beth sighed, wanting to give herself just a moment longer with the feel of Alison's head on her chest.

"No, no it's fine," Alison sighed, rising slowly off Beth's chest and throwing her legs out over the edge of the bed. "There's no point in us both getting up, you rest. I know where everything is anyway, plus you make coffee too strong," she threw the last part in teasingly as she got out of bed and pulled Beth's dressing gown over her naked figure.

"Don't be rude," Beth shot back with a smirk.

Alison didn't reply to this. Instead she walked around the bed and placed a soft kiss on Beth's forehead, smiling as she straightened up again and left the room. Beth watched her go, a tight smile staying firmly in place until Alison was out of sight.

She sighed then and allowed the smile to fall away. She could feel the dull ache return to her chest from the second Alison had left her side. She could feel it suffocating her as thoughts of Paul and Maggie Chen and the disciplinary hearing and her other clones seeped back to the forefront of her mind like poison.

She rolled out of bed and her feet hit the floor with a dull thud. She put on some clothes – underwear and a t-shirt – and then her feet seemed to move of their own accord towards the bathroom.

She looked in the mirror but didn't see anyone she recognised. The woman looking back at her seemed normal. She didn't seem like someone whose life was imploding around her. She didn't seem like someone who was kept awake at night by the nightmares of what she'd done or the fear of what was being done to her. She didn't look the way Beth felt, and that made her furious enough to want to smash the glass just so she could feel the pain swell through her hand and up her arm, and the hot trickling of the blood down her knuckles.

She didn't though. Instead she looked a while longer, desperate to see a truer reflection of herself. When she didn't, she instead reached to the cabinet beside her and pulled out three pill bottles, each with a different prescription.

She took a red tablet first.

_You're in control._

Then the yellow.

_It'll be okay. _

And finally the cylindrical white one.

_Do it for Ali._

She put the containers away again and stepped back from the sink. She knew they wouldn't take immediate effect, though just the knowledge that there was something in her system that would slow the thoughts in her head calmed her a little.

It was then she heard Alison's singing from the kitchen. She followed the sound, and smiled to herself at the sight of Alison in her dressing gown, brewing two cups of coffee. There was something so beautifully domestic about it, and Beth felt a different aching this time, as she found herself longing for the permanence of this scene.

She ignored the ache though, and instead decided to let herself live in the moment as she stepped up behind Alison and wrapped her arms around the other woman's waist.

"You're so domestic Ali," She whispered, her lips tracing the shell of Alison's ear when she spoke.

"Didn't you know I'm a domestic goddess," Alison hummed teasingly, leaning back into Beth's embrace as the detective's lips began a wet trail down the side of her neck.

"My domestic goddess," Beth murmurs into the dip between Alison's neck and shoulder.

She realises once she says it that she probably shouldn't have. She doesn't take it back though. Not even when she feels Alison stiffen against her embrace. She doesn't know if it's the pills or Alison, but something's having an effect on her, and it makes her want to speak her mind. It makes her want to fight.

"You don't have to go so soon you know," she continues, pulling her dressing gown off Alison's shoulder with one hand to allow her lips access to the soccer moms back as she continues her trail of kisses.

"You know I do," Alison replied, trying not to be drawn in by Beth's hot kisses as they slowly moved down her spine.

"Please?"

Beth was on her knees now, and she placed one final kiss into the dip where Alison's spine met her ass.

"No Beth I can't," The other woman insisted. "I have things to –"

"Please Ali."

The side of Beth's head rested on Alison's buttock, and her arms extended around Alison's thighs so as her fingers could lightly tickle the insides.

"Beth."

Alison knew she was fighting a losing battle as she felt the heat between her legs.

"Alison."

Before Alison had time to comprehend what was happening Beth had somehow turned her and pushed her back against the counter. She opened her mouth to protest but it was replaced by a moan as Beth's lips found her core.

Her kisses were wet and desperate and salty from the tears neither women had noticed. She kissed between Alison's legs with a passion that should be saved for her mouth yet she didn't care.

She tried to push Alison's leg to one side for a better angle, and although it didn't move right away the other woman finally relented, her leg moving over Beth's shoulder as her hand tangled in Beth's hair.

It didn't take her long to make Alison cum and when she did she slid down the side of the counter, her leg ever so gracefully sliding off Beth's shoulder as the soccer mom hit the floor. They stayed like that for a while; sitting on the floor, not quite touching and not quite making eye contact. Eventually it was Alison that broke the silence.

"You're crying." Her voice was soft and concerned, yet she didn't make any move to comfort Beth.

"Oh." Beth reached out and wiped her cheek, sure enough finding a trail of moisture. "I didn't notice."

"Why're you crying?" Alison's question was just as soft as her previous statement, though Beth could sense she was nervous.

"I don't know…" Beth wasn't sure if it was the truth or a lie.

"Yes you do, tell me," Alison demanded in a way that seemed totally undemanding.

There was a long pause. Beth opened and closed her mouth several times, yet there was nothing she could say that fitted what she was feeling. Eventually, when she realised Alison's question wasn't going away, she decided to just be as honest as she could.

"I'm crying because I love you and I don't want you to leave me." Beth had always presumed saying it out loud would have destroyed her, and yet when she spoke there wasn't so much as a waver in her voice.

"Beth…" Suddenly Alison was standing, her soft tone now replaced with one of panic.

"Alison," Beth challenged, standing too so they could look one another in the eye.

"I'm married Beth," Alison needlessly reminded her, suddenly feeling exposed as she pulled the dressing gown back up around her shoulders.

"I know Ali, I know, but-"

"But nothing," Alison sighed, her voice laced with pity and her eyes pooling with regret as she continued. "I'm married. I have a husband and kids and a whole other life Beth. Don't get me wrong I… I love you too, but this," she motioned to the space around them. "This isn't anything permanent. This isn't anything real." She stepped forward, cupping Beth's cheek with her hand.

"Ali…" Beth started again; still determine to win her over.

"No honey," Alison cut her off, her fingertips stroking away fresh tears from Beth's cheek. "I'm Donnie's domestic goddess, not yours. That's just the way this needs to be."

She left after that. She got dressed, grabbed her stuff and with one final sad smile at Beth she walked out the door, vaguely promising that she'd call her sometime during the week if she got a chance.

What's worse is Beth just let her go. She just stood at the counter and watched as Alison walked out of her their bubble and back into the real world just like she always done, and just like she always would do.

Without even realising it, she found herself speaking aloud into an empty room.

"I can't take this anymore."

-.-.-.-

The next time Alison's clone phone buzzed and Beth's name lit up the screen, it was Sarah Manning on the other end.


End file.
